17 Dec TIMON THE MISANTHROPE (LUCIAN) | Part Ε’
GNATHONIDES
What did I tell them?— Timon was too good a man to be abandoned by Providence.
How are you, Timon? as good-looking and good-tempered, as good a fellow, as ever?
TIMON
And you, Gnathonides, still teaching vultures rapacity, and men cunning?
GNATHONIDES
Ah, he always liked his little joke.
But where do you dine?
What means this? This is assault, Timon; just let me find a witness! …
Oh, my God, my God! … I’ll have you before the Areopagus for assault and battery.
TIMON
You’d better not wait much longer, or you’ll have to make it murder.
Now who is this with the bald crown?
Why, it is Philiades; if there is a loathsome flatterer, it is he. When I sang that song that nobody else would applaud, he lauded me to the skies, and swore no dying swan could be more tuneful; his reward was one of my farms, and a 500 pounds portion for his daughter. And then when he found I was ill, and had come to him for assistance, his generous aid took the form of blows.
PHILIADES
Greeting, lord Timon; pray let me warn you against these abominable flatterers; they are your humble servants during meal-times, and else about as useful as carrion crows. Perfidy is the order of the day; everywhere ingratitude and vileness.
I was just bringing a couple of hundred pounds, for your immediate necessities, and was nearly here before I heard of your splendid fortune.
So I just came on to give you this word of caution.
TIMON
Quite so, Philiades. But come near, will you not, and receive my — spade!
PHILIADES
Help, help! this thankless brute has broken my head, for giving him good counsel.
TIMON
Now for number three. Lawyer Demeas — my cousin, as he calls himself, with a decree in his hand.
Between three and four thousand it was that I paid in to the Treasury in ready money for him; he had been fined that amount and imprisoned in default, and I took pity on him. Well, the other day he was distributing-officer of the festival money; when I applied for my share, he pretended I was not a citizen.
DEMEAS
Hail, Timon, ornament of our race, pillar of Athens, shield of Hellas! The Assembly and both Councils are met, and expect your appearance.
So runs the decree. I had designed also to present to you my son, whom I have named Timon after you.
TIMON
Why, I thought you were a bachelor, Demeas.
DEMEAS
Ah, but I intend to marry next year; my child — which is to be a boy — I hereby name Timon.
TIMON
I doubt whether you will feel like marrying, my man, when I have given you — this!
DEMEAS
Oh Lord! what is that for? … You are plotting a coup d’etat, you Timon; you assault free men, and you are neither a free man nor a citizen yourself. You shall soon be called to account for your crimes; it was you set fire to the Acropolis, for one thing.
TIMON
Why, you scoundrel, the Acropolis has not been set on fire; you are a common blackmailer.
DEMEAS
Oh! oh! my back!
TIMON
Don’t make such a noise, if you don’t want a third.
Whom have we now? is this Thrasycles the philosopher?
Sure enough it is. A halo of beard, eyebrows an inch above their place, superiority in his air, a look that might storm heaven.
This hero of the careful get-up, the solemn gait, the plain attire — in the morning he will utter a thousand maxims, expounding Virtue, arraigning self-indulgence, lauding simplicity; and then, when he gets to dinner after his bath, his servant fills him a bumper (he prefers it neat), and draining this Lethe-draught he proceeds to turn his morning maxima inside out; he swoops like a hawk on dainty dishes, elbows his neighbour aside, fouls his beard with trickling sauce, laps like a dog, with his nose in his plate, as if he expected to find Virtue there, and runs his finger all round the bowl, not to lose a drop of the gravy.
Let him monopolize pastry or joint, he will still criticize the carving.
That is all the satisfaction his ravenous greed brings him.
Take him sober, for that matter, and you will hardly find his match at lying, effrontery or avarice. He is facile princeps of flatterers, perjury sits on his tongue-tip, imposture goes before him, and shamelessness is his good comrade; oh, he is a most ingenious piece of work, finished at all points, a multum in parvo. I am afraid his kind heart will be grieved presently.
Why, how is this, Thrasycles? I must say, you have taken your time about coming.
THRASYCLES
Ah, Timon, I am not come like the rest of the crowd; they are dazzled by your wealth; they are gathered together with an eye to gold and silver and high living; they will soon be showing their servile tricks before your unsuspicious, generous self.
As for me, you know a crust is all the dinner I care for; the relish I like best is a bit of thyme or cress; on festal days I may go as far as a sprinkling of salt. My drink is the crystal spring; and this threadbare cloak is better than your gay robes.
Gold — I value it no higher than pebbles on the beach.
What brought me was concern for you; I would not have you ruined by this same pestilent wealth, this temptation for plunderers; many is the man it has sunk in helpless misery.
Take my advice, and fling it bodily into the sea; a good man, to whom the wealth of philosophy is revealed, has no need of the other. It does not matter about deep water, my good sir; wade in up to your waist when the tide is near flood, and let no one see you but me.
TIMON
Very right, Thrasycles. But instead of a mere scripful, pray take a whole headful of clouts, standard measure by the spade.
THRASYCLES
Land of liberty, equality, legality! protect me against this ruffian!
TIMON
Why, what now?
Here comes a crowd; friend Blepsias, Laches, Gniphon; their name is legion; they shall howl soon.
I had better get up on the rock; my poor tired spade wants a little rest; I will collect all the stones I can lay hands on, and pepper them at long range.
BLEPSIAS
Don’t throw, Timon; we are going.
TIMON
Whether the retreat will be bloodless, however, is another question.
Part A’: https://www.lecturesbureau.gr/1/timon-the-misanthrope-part-a-1452/?lang=en
Part B’: https://www.lecturesbureau.gr/1/timon-the-misanthrope-part-b-1453/?lang=en
Part C’: https://www.lecturesbureau.gr/1/timon-the-misanthrope-part-c-1454/?lang=en
Part D’: https://www.lecturesbureau.gr/1/timon-the-misanthrope-part-d-1455/?lang=en
The Works of Lucian of Samosata
Translated by Fowler, H W and F G.
