04 Dec The first lie we tell ourselves is when we say ‘I’. (PETER OUSPENSKY)
If we begin to study ourselves we first of all come up against one word which we use more than any other and that is the word ‘I’. We say ‘I am doing’, ‘I am sitting’, ‘I feel’, ‘I like’, ‘I dislike’ and so on. This is our chief illusion, for the principal mistake we make about ourselves is that we consider ourselves one; we always speak about ourselves as ‘I’ and we suppose that we refer to the same thing all the time when in reality we are divided into hundreds and hundreds of different ‘I’s. At one moment when I say ‘I’, one part of me is speaking, and at another moment when I say ‘I’, it is quite another ‘I’ speaking. We do not know that we have not one ‘I’, but many different ‘I’s connected with our feelings and desires, and have no controlling ‘I’. These ‘I’s change all the time; one suppresses another, one replaces another, and all this struggle makes up our inner life.
The first lie we tell ourselves is when we say ‘I’. It is a lie because in saying ‘I’ we presume certain things: we presume a certain unity and a certain power. And if I say ‘I’ today and say ‘I’ to-morrow, it is supposed to be the same ‘I’, when in reality there is no connection between them. We are in this present state because of certain obstacles or certain facts in ourselves, and the most important fact that we do not understand is that we have no right to say ‘I’, for it will be a lie. When you begin to observe yourself you will see that it is really so: there are ‘I’s in you which do not know one another and never come into contact. For instance, begin to study your likes and dislikes and you will see that you can like one thing one moment and like another thing another moment, and the two are so opposed to one another that you will realize at once that those ‘I’s never meet. If you observe your decisions you will see that one ‘I’ decides and another has to carry out the decision, and this one is either unwilling to do it or never heard about it. If you find one thing one does not lie to oneself about you will be very exceptional.
These groups of ‘I’s manifest themselves as roles that a man plays in his life. Everybody has a certain number of roles: one corresponds to one set of conditions, another to another and so on. Man himself seldom notices these differences. For instance, he has one role for his work, another for his home, yet another among friends, another if he is interested in sport, and so on. These roles are easier to observe in other people than in oneself. People are often so different in different conditions that these roles become quite obvious and well defined; but sometimes they are better hidden or even played only inside without any external manifestations. All people, whether they know it or not, whether they wish it or not, have certain roles which they play. This acting is unconscious. If it could be conscious, it would be quite different, but one never notices how one passes from one role to another. Or if one notices it one persuades oneself that one is doing it on purpose, that it is a conscious action. In reality the change is always controlled by circumstances, it cannot be controlled by man himself, because he himself does not exist yet. Sometimes there are definite contradictions between one and another role. In one role one says one thing, has certain definite views and convictions; then one passes into another role and has absolutely different convictions and says absolutely different things, without noticing it, or else thinking that one does it on purpose.
The Fourth Way
Peter D. Ouspensky
