
16 Jan In short, what protects a marriage? (DANIEL GOLEMAN)
Given the grim potential outcome of the differences in how men and
women deal with distressing feelings in their relationship, what can
couples do to protect the love and affection they feel for each other—
in short, what protects a marriage? On the basis of watching
interaction in the couples whose marriages have continued to thrive
over the years, marital researchers offer specific advice for men and
for women, and some general words for both.
Men and women, in general, need different emotional fine-tuning.
For men, the advice is not to sidestep conflict, but to realize that
when their wife brings up some grievance or disagreement, she may
be doing it as an act of love, trying to keep the relationship healthy
and on course (although there may well be other motives for a wife’s
hostility). When grievances simmer, they build and build in intensity
until there’s an explosion; when they are aired and worked out, it
takes the pressure off. But husbands need to realize that anger or
discontent is not synonymous with personal attack—their wives’
emotions are often simply underliners, emphasizing the strength of
her feelings about the matter.
Men also need to be on guard against short-circuiting the discussion
by offering a practical solution too early on—it’s typically more
important to a wife that she feel her husband hears her complaint and
empathizes with her feelings about the matter (though he need not
agree with her). She may hear his offering advice as a way of
dismissing her feelings as inconsequential. Husbands who are able to
stay with their wives through the heat of anger, rather than dismissing
their complaints as petty, help their wives feel heard and respected.
Most especially, wives want to have their feelings acknowledged and
respected as valid, even if their husbands disagree. More often than
not, when a wife feels her view is heard and her feelings registered,
she calms down.
As for women, the advice is quite parallel. Since a major problem
for men is that their wives are too intense in voicing complaints,
wives need to make a purposeful effort to be careful not to attack
their husbands—to complain about what they did, but not criticize
them as a person or express contempt. Complaints are not attacks on
character, but rather a clear statement that a particular action is
distressing. An angry personal attack will almost certainly lead to a
husband’s getting defensive or stonewalling, which will be all the
more frustrating, and only escalate the fight. It helps, too, if a wife’s
complaints are put in the larger context of reassuring her husband of
her love for him.
Emotional Intelligence
DANIEL GOLEMAN