Given the grim potential outcome of the differences in how men and
\nwomen deal with distressing feelings in their relationship, what can
\ncouples do to protect the love and affection they feel for each other\u2014
\nin short, what protects a marriage? On the basis of watching
\ninteraction in the couples whose marriages have continued to thrive
\nover the years, marital researchers offer specific advice for men and
\nfor women, and some general words for both.<\/p>\n
Men and women, in general, need different emotional fine-tuning.
\nFor men, the advice is not to sidestep conflict, but to realize that
\nwhen their wife brings up some grievance or disagreement, she may
\nbe doing it as an act of love, trying to keep the relationship healthy
\nand on course (although there may well be other motives for a wife\u2019s
\nhostility). When grievances simmer, they build and build in intensity
\nuntil there\u2019s an explosion; when they are aired and worked out, it
\ntakes the pressure off. But husbands need to realize that anger or
\ndiscontent is not synonymous with personal attack\u2014their wives\u2019
\nemotions are often simply underliners, emphasizing the strength of
\nher feelings about the matter.<\/p>\n
Men also need to be on guard against short-circuiting the discussion
\nby offering a practical solution too early on\u2014it\u2019s typically more
\nimportant to a wife that she feel her husband hears her complaint and
\nempathizes with her feelings about the matter (though he need not
\nagree with her). She may hear his offering advice as a way of
\ndismissing her feelings as inconsequential. Husbands who are able to
\nstay with their wives through the heat of anger, rather than dismissing
\ntheir complaints as petty, help their wives feel heard and respected.
\nMost especially, wives want to have their feelings acknowledged and
\nrespected as valid, even if their husbands disagree. More often than
\nnot, when a wife feels her view is heard and her feelings registered,
\nshe calms down.<\/p>\n
As for women, the advice is quite parallel. Since a major problem
\nfor men is that their wives are too intense in voicing complaints,
\nwives need to make a purposeful effort to be careful not to attack
\ntheir husbands\u2014to complain about what they did, but not criticize
\nthem as a person or express contempt. Complaints are not attacks on
\ncharacter, but rather a clear statement that a particular action is
\ndistressing. An angry personal attack will almost certainly lead to a
\nhusband\u2019s getting defensive or stonewalling, which will be all the
\nmore frustrating, and only escalate the fight. It helps, too, if a wife\u2019s
\ncomplaints are put in the larger context of reassuring her husband of
\nher love for him.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Emotional Intelligence<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n DANIEL GOLEMAN<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Given the grim potential outcome of the differences in how men and women deal with distressing feelings in their relationship, what can couples do to protect the love and affection they feel for each other\u2014 in short, what protects a marriage? 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