I felt unable to go upstairs. My life was wrecked. I
\nthought vaguely of running away and never returning or
\nof drowning myself. I sat down in the dark on the
\nbottom step of our outside staircase, withdrew into myself<\/p>\n
and abandoned myself to my misery. Lina found
\nme there weeping when she came down with a basket
\nto collect some firewood.<\/p>\n
I begged her to say nothing about it, and went upstairs.<\/p>\n
On the right of the glazed door hung father’s hat
\nand mother’s sunshade; an atmosphere of homeliness
\nand affection hung about all these things; my heart
\nwarmed to them gratefully as that of the Prodigal Son
\nmust have done when he was confronted with the sight
\nand smell of the old familiar rooms of his house. But
\nnone of this was mine any longer; it all belonged to the
\nworld of my parents and I was deeply and guiltily engulfed in the alien tide.<\/p>\n
I was involved in excitement and
\nwrong-doing, threatened by the enemy, beset by dangers,
\nfear and scandal. The hat and the sunshade, the good
\nold sandstont” floor, the large picture over the hall cupboard<\/p>\n
and the voices of my elder sistets coming from the living-room,<\/p>\n
it was all more moving and precious
\nthan ever but it had ceased to be a comfort and something<\/p>\n
I could rely on and had become a kind of reproach.<\/p>\n
This was no longer my world; I could have no
\npart in its cheerfulness and peace. My feet were defiled;
\nI could not wipe them on the mat; I was accompanied
\nby shadows of which this world of home knew nothing.
\nI had had plenty of secrets, plenty of scares before but
\nit had all been light-hearted compared with what I was
\nbringing back with me that day.<\/p>\n
Fate was tracking me
\ndown, hands were reaching for me from which my
\nmother could not protect me; of which she knew nothing. What my crim~ was-theft or lying-(had I not
\nsworn a false oath by God and everything that was
\nsacred?)-did not come into it. l\\!Y sin was not this or
\nthat; my sin was that I was in league with the Devil. Why
\nhad I associated with him? Why had I listened to Kromer
\nmore than I had ever done to my father? Why had I
\nlied about that theft, fathered myself with crime as if it
\nhad been a heroic deei? And now the Devil held me in
\nhis clutches, the enemy was at my shoulder.<\/p>\n
I was glad that my father upbraided me about my
\nmuddy shoes. It side-stepped the issue, the graver sin
\npassed unnoticed and I got away with a reproach which
\nI secretly transferred to the other affair. In so doing, a
\nstrange new feeling ht up inside me, an unpleasant,
\nruthless feeling, full of barbs-I felt superior to my
\nfather! For the moment I despised his ignorance.<\/p>\n
One night she brought a piece of chocolate up to me
\nwhen I was in bed. It \u2022as an echo of earlier years when
\nI had often been vouchsafed similar little treats at night
\nif I had been good. Now she stood there, holding out the
\nchocolate. I felt so ill that I could only shake my head.
\nShe asked me what was the matter and stroked my hair.
\nBut I could only jerk out, “No. No I I don’t want anything I ”<\/p>\n
She deposited the chocolate on the bedside-table
\nand left me. When she tried to find out the reason for
\nmy behaviour next day, I pretended not to understand.<\/p>\n
I lived in the midst of the ordered peace of our house,
\nnervous and tormented like a ghost, with no part in the
\nlife of the others.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
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\nHERMAN HESSE<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n