{"id":35066,"date":"2020-02-18T00:02:11","date_gmt":"2020-02-17T22:02:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/?p=35066&lang=en"},"modified":"2020-02-18T00:15:42","modified_gmt":"2020-02-17T22:15:42","slug":"home-is-not-only-where-the-heart-is-and-where-they-have-to-take-you-in-but-also-where-people-are-interested-in-what-you-have-to-say-2068","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/home-is-not-only-where-the-heart-is-and-where-they-have-to-take-you-in-but-also-where-people-are-interested-in-what-you-have-to-say-2068\/?lang=en","title":{"rendered":"Home is not only where the heart is, and where they have to take you in, but also where people are interested in what you have to say (LOU MARINOFF)"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Larry was also struggling with the possible end of a relationship. Married to Carol for nearly twenty-five years, he had two young adult children. He had been faithful to his wife for all those years, and they prided themselves on the partnership they had formed when it came to raising and providing for their children. They both had flourishing careers, though Carol worked from home and for many years had worked part-time in order to spend more time with their children. Larry respected his wife, but now that they had an empty nest, they found they just didn\u2019t have much in common any more.<\/p>\n

Tellingly, when Larry approached Carol to talk seriously about their commitment to each other, she told him she didn\u2019t want to listen to him ruminate on the subject anymore and suggested that he pay someone else to listen to him. Part of the reason for having a love relationship is to participate in a continuous dialogue, so Carol\u2019s response demonstrated that this key element of their relationship had broken down. Home is not only where the heart is, and where they have to take you in, but also where people are interested in what you have to say\u2014interested in you as a human being without ulterior motives, valuing you because of who you are.<\/p>\n

Larry had never been to a psychiatrist or psychologist and would have resented even the suggestion of extended therapy. He came to me, then, at his wife\u2019s suggestion, simply looking for someone to talk to as he considered whether he should leave her. He definitely did not want to discuss his feelings\u2014much less his childhood or his patterns of behavior. Like most of my clients, he was looking for someone who could help him articulate his worldview (that is, his personal philosophy) and examine his choices to make sure the actions he took were consistent with his beliefs and values. That task is not always as simple as it sounds.<\/p>\n

Larry and Carol were both principled, loyal people and perceived themselves as operating within a serious ethical framework. They were not religious people, but they had formulated their own moral precepts and abided by them. Now as Larry considered choosing an end (divorce) not necessarily in keeping with his principles (marriage as a lifelong commitment), he was asking himself if there was ever a time to change the rules he held as absolutes. When blindly obeying a rule starts to inflict damage, it may be time to change the rule.<\/p>\n

Marriage vows are usually taken \u201ctill death do us part\u201d\u2014that is, for life. But suppose you discovered sometime after the honeymoon that you had married a psychopath or a sadist who had cleverly deceived you and who now might really harm you or ruin your life. In that dangerous case, maintaining your wedding vows would probably do you more damage than breaking them. Now consider a more trivial case, where you quarrel with a sibling or a close friend and then vow, \u201cI\u2019ll never speak to you again as long as I live!\u201d After a short while, you really miss that person, who also misses you. Keeping your vow never to speak to him or her again would probably do you more damage than breaking it, so you make the phone call.<\/p>\n

Larry\u2019s case falls somewhere between these extremes. Two people may share a wonderful marriage for many years, all the while still growing as persons and all the while intending to keep their vows. Yet the day may arrive when they have both outgrown it, in which case maintaining the marriage would do more damage than dissolving it. If only one spouse feels this way, they may both be in for a difficult time. But if both feel this way, which is less common, they can actually preserve their love by letting go of their marriage. This, I believe, is what Larry and his wife managed to accomplish.<\/p>\n

Duty<\/p>\n

Kant thought that moral duty must be performed for its own sake and that morality comes from reason. Like Kant, Larry was a moralist, so Kant\u2019s approach fit right in with his. Kant wrote of several \u201cperfect duties\u201d humans have, and his list of things never to do (e.g., lie, kill) sounds more or less like the Ten Commandments. He also notes the \u201cimperfect duties\u201d we have, one of which is to improve ourselves. Unlike perfect duties, which are universal, imperfect duties are situational. Applied to Larry\u2019s case, this might mean that although marriage (a mutual obligation) is a serious commitment that ought not to be violated, if that mutual sense of obligation has ceased, then maybe staying within the marriage would not benefit either Larry or his wife\u2014thereby violating the \u201cimperfect duty\u201d they both have to improve themselves.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo secure one\u2019s own happiness is a duty, at least indirectly; for discontent with one\u2019s own condition, under a pressure of many anxieties and amidst unsatisfied wants, might easily become a great temptation to transgression of duty.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2014IMMANUEL KANT<\/p>\n

William Ross\u2019s theory of prima facie duties would lead Larry to similar conclusions. Ross wrote that we all have a list of commitments that \u201cat first glance\u201d (prima facie) are all equally binding but that in practice these commitments are sometimes going to conflict. He holds that different situations call for different priorities and that every case must be decided on its merits. So while his children were young, Larry\u2019s primary commitment may have been to them, and he might have maintained the marriage to support them emotionally. But now that the situation had changed (his children were grown), his first obligation might be to support his own emotional growth by leaving the marriage.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I am in a situation, as perhaps I always am, in which more than one of these prima facie duties is incumbent on me, what I have to do is to study the situation as fully as I can until I form the considered opinion (it is never more) that in the circumstances one of them is more incumbent than any other\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2014WILLIAM ROSS<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

Plato, Not Prozac!: Applying Eternal Wisdom to Everyday Problems<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n

Lou Marinoff<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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