The first two male attributes which I explore in this book explain why it\u2019s so hard for men to talk about their feelings. These elements are discussed first because they are used by men as psychological defenses to guard against the emotional pain associated with the other five elements. Our path will thus simulate the progression of a therapeutic relationship, or of any close relationship: from the outside to the inside, from appearance to substance, from guarded inhibitions to comfortable expositions.<\/p>\n
The first male element is simple, yet profound. Shame (boys don\u2019t cry) refers to the most common reason men do not indulge in emotional dialogues. We all know what shame feels like \u2014 it\u2019s disturbingly painful. What we don\u2019t always realize is how destructive it can be. In relationships, for example, men often project their own performance shame onto their partner. They do so by criticizing her appearance, by requesting that she wear certain clothes, or by demanding that she wear her hair a certain way when they go out. In this kind of interaction, the man is trying to get rid of feelings of shame over his own sense of inadequacy by insisting that his partner shine, so that he can feel better about himself in her reflection. The woman in this situation feels controlled and evaluated. Worst of all, she ends up feeling ashamed about her own (bodily) imperfections. When the circle of projection is thus completed (she ends up feeling what he felt at the beginning of the interaction), a terrible fight ensues. She accuses him of being critical and controlling and he accuses her of being sensitive and defensive. Clearly, this type of fight can be avoided if, at the outset, rather than focusing on his partner\u2019s performance, the man has the self-knowledge and the facility to say something to the effect of \u201cI felt inadequate at work today.\u201d In the absence of such self-knowledge, the fight can still be avoided if the woman, in her own self-interest, comes to the man\u2019s help.<\/p>\n
While breaking down the shame barrier helps all men to open up, most men have yet a deeper, even more troubling resistance to the language of feelings. This is the second male attribute, Emotional Absence (I don\u2019t know what I feel). Here, we are on a more complicated terrain where the usual psychological tools don\u2019t necessarily work. For example, the rather uninspiring question \u201cHow does that make you feel?\u201d which many therapists (and I hate to admit, myself included) resort to in desperation or for lack of imagination, is particularly useless here. The typical male response to such a question is, \u201cI think\u2026,\u201d to which the therapist might say, \u201cThat\u2019s not a feeling.\u201d<\/p>\n
Men\u2019s proclivity to live in their heads and to distance themselves from their feelings is an obvious liability in intimate relationships. But it can also be a subtle yet devastating problem in business situations. For example, one young investment banker was \u201csent\u201d to therapy by his fianc\u00e9e, who was concerned about his workaholic tendencies. When he came to see me he had already amassed eight million dollars. But within two years, he gambled it all away in risky investments. Because he was incapable of feeling any fear or anxiety when making business decisions, he couldn\u2019t calibrate the degree of risk involved. Remarkably, after losing everything, including his job and office, he was able to use his cell phone (from a bench in the park!) to raise new capital and to bounce back \u2014 until his next and final fall, at which point he also lost his fianc\u00e9e.<\/p>\n
As for relationships, whereas the shame barrier to communication can be broken relatively quickly, the problem of emotional absence does not yield itself to a quick fix. What to do when someone doesn\u2019t feel? Part of the solution is to look for feelings where they are, not where they are not; to nurture and welcome any feelings, even such unpleasant ones as anger or depression.<\/p>\n
The other part of the solution is to learn to accept, even admire, the appearance of strength which comes with that dull male calmness, and to join men\u2019s emotional experience in their own domain. For example, in working with a business executive, rather than ask him about his feelings regarding the lack of intimacy in his marriage, I will start by inquiring into his strategy for his upcoming meeting with the company\u2019s CEO. From there we\u2019ll go into what\u2019s important about this meeting, why his career\u2019s so important to him, and what is life all about anyway. This will lead to a discussion of what\u2019s missing from his life, which invariably will uncover the quiet pains of his marriage. So you can see that such words as \u201cstrategic thinking\u201d and \u201cnegotiation tactics,\u201d which are practically aphrodisiac for some men, can be a pathway to words of intimacy. This may sound like a manipulation, but it\u2019s not. It\u2019s not, because I genuinely care about the patient\u2019s strategy for the meeting. Not that I am so interested in the business outcome of the meeting or even in the patient\u2019s career. What I am interested in is the patient\u2019s mind and how it works. And I don\u2019t mind starting with the intellectual part: if you can\u2019t beat the enemy, join it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
If Men Could Talk: Translating the Secret Language of Men<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n Alon Gratch<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The first two male attributes which I explore in this book explain why it\u2019s so hard for men to talk about their feelings. These elements are discussed first because they are used by men as psychological defenses to guard against the emotional pain associated with…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":34392,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[73],"tags":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=900%2C609&ssl=1","rttpg_featured_image_url":{"full":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=900%2C609&ssl=1",900,609,false],"landscape":["https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg",900,609,false],"portraits":["https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg",900,609,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=150%2C150&ssl=1",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=300%2C203&ssl=1",300,203,true],"large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=900%2C609&ssl=1",900,609,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=900%2C609&ssl=1",900,609,true],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=900%2C609&ssl=1",900,609,true],"portfolio-square":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=570%2C570&ssl=1",570,570,true],"portfolio-portrait":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=600%2C609&ssl=1",600,609,true],"portfolio-landscape":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=800%2C600&ssl=1",800,600,true],"menu-featured-post":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=345%2C198&ssl=1",345,198,true],"qode-carousel_slider":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=400%2C260&ssl=1",400,260,true],"portfolio_slider":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=500%2C380&ssl=1",500,380,true],"portfolio_masonry_regular":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=500%2C500&ssl=1",500,500,true],"portfolio_masonry_wide":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=900%2C500&ssl=1",900,500,true],"portfolio_masonry_tall":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=500%2C609&ssl=1",500,609,true],"portfolio_masonry_large":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=900%2C609&ssl=1",900,609,true],"portfolio_masonry_with_space":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=700%2C474&ssl=1",700,474,true],"latest_post_boxes":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=539%2C303&ssl=1",539,303,true],"woocommerce_thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=300%2C300&ssl=1",300,300,true],"woocommerce_single":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?fit=600%2C406&ssl=1",600,406,true],"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail":["https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/post-2016a.jpg?resize=100%2C100&ssl=1",100,100,true]},"rttpg_author":{"display_name":"admin","author_link":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/author\/admin\/"},"rttpg_comment":0,"rttpg_category":"Philosophy<\/a>","rttpg_excerpt":"The first two male attributes which I explore in this book explain why it\u2019s so hard for men to talk about their feelings. These elements are discussed first because they are used by men as psychological defenses to guard against the emotional pain associated with...","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34691"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34691"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34691\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":34692,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34691\/revisions\/34692"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/34392"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34691"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34691"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lecturesbureau.gr\/1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34691"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}