It feels very good to say to someone that we\u2019ll love them regardless of what happens. The classic wedding vows\u200a\u2014\u200a\u201cin sickness and in health,\u201d \u201cfor richer, for poorer,\u201d and \u201cuntil death do us part\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200acan be regarded as promises to love a partner unconditionally, which we know isn\u2019t possible.<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
In everyday life, people really like to ask these sorts of questions and give these sorts of answers: \u201cWould you still love me if I gained forty pounds?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you still love me if I were poor?<\/p>\n
\u201cFor sure!\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
It\u2019s not that these answers are lies. But what\u2019s not guaranteed is that we\u2019ll love someone come what may. A lot of the time, we insist we will because we feel it\u2019s the best way to show how much we love them. People tend to regard love that has conditions as being of lower quality or somehow inauthentic, but that\u2019s not the case. The amount of love we feel for our partners, friends, and parents will always be conditioned by things that happen in the relationship. It\u2019s not guaranteed that we\u2019ll always love them regardless of what happens or what they do, nor that they\u2019ll always love us, no matter what we do. If your friend cheats you out of your money again and again, it\u2019s not only probable you\u2019ll stop liking him, it\u2019s definitely a healthy thing for you to do so; if someone treats a partner violently, one would hope that the victim will fall out of love with the abuser; if an ex-husband or ex-wife uses their children to manipulate their former spouse, whatever love might have survived the separation is logically at risk.<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
My uncle Rafael used to tell an old joke that illustrates just how painful \u2018love\u2019 can be when it\u2019s too conditioned by things that have nothing to do with love.<\/p>\n
Jacobo says to his girlfriend (who\u2019s thirty years younger than him), \u201cMargarita, will you still love me if I lose all my money, even the last cent?\u201d<\/p>\n
She gives him a smile and a sappy hug and says, \u201cOf course I will, my love. And I\u2019ll miss you tons!\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
Of course, there are things we let slide when it comes to the person we love but wouldn\u2019t accept from anyone else; there are characteristics we think are amazing when it\u2019s our partner who has them but that perhaps don\u2019t impress us in someone else; there are also flaws we can handle in others but don\u2019t tolerate in the person we share a home with. What\u2019s certain is that we don\u2019t put up with\u200a\u2014\u200anor should we put up with\u200a\u2014\u200aanother person telling us what to do just because they love us. Love isn\u2019t about imposing conditions; if it\u2019s authentic love, it frees us instead. The tacit or explicit expectation that a person\u2019s love be unconditional clearly leads to the worst problems a couple or two people in any type of committed relationship will face.<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
The horizon to which all healthy love should aspire (and the love between parents and children is no exception) is independent of the conditionality or unconditionality of the emotion itself, and it is most beautifully expressed in the following words by Joseph Zinker: \u201cAuthentic love for another is rejoicing in the loved one\u2019s very existence.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
I think that\u2019s what we should be aiming for in all our relationships: learning to love someone simply because they exist and to celebrate their presence in our life without asking them to be one way or another, without hoping they\u2019ll change or meet our expectations. This is a good and healthy way to love someone and of course it\u2019s very difficult to do.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/u>\u00a0<\/u><\/p>\n
Of Parents and Children: Tools for Nurturing a Lifelong Relationship<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n Jorge Bucay&<\/b>\u00a0Demian Bucay<\/b><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It feels very good to say to someone that we\u2019ll love them regardless of what happens. 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